Days came and went and still it is costing. It always will, no matter where the relationship goes. It has cost much- other relationships, old habits, our comfort zones, pieces of ourselves that we will never fully recover. Now, such is the way of most large scale life decisions, so for many people this shouldn't really be a particular surprise. But at the ripe age of 18, it's somewhat surprising me. It's a shock to see how much a person can lose over a single decision at this age, and even more so to see that they sacrifice these things willingly. The volume of investments lost, many of them with more time, emotion and willpower poured into them than the one they chose over them, is absolutely astonishing. It's almost perturbing in a way to see all of these things go down the drain, whether it was quietly and in a fading sort of manner or an abrupt, grinding halt.
However, this decision is still believed to be the right one. It has cost much, and will continue to do so, to extents we will not know for years to come, I think. However, the rest of what I told that person was not more rhetoric about what it would cost, save for a few specific examples. It was encouragement about the finality of this decision- of the fact that although it would indeed cost everything they had known, it would yield so much more in the future. But to hold on to a goal like that, particularly at this age, is not an easy task. It takes discipline. Work ethic. Courage. Integrity. An indomitable spirit. All valuable qualities often not found in American youth. I'm proud to say this person, whom I love very much, has proven they have those traits and will exercise them for the preservation of our relationship. Although it has been only a short while, already the new everything that will take the place of the old one is beginning to sprout up.
There were some unseen changes that have taken place though. Tonight, at a church gathering known as Upper Room, I experienced something. A basic revelation on the nature of choices. Some time ago, I told this person I love that the choice they had made would cost them everything- little did I consider, however, that it would cost me everything. Now, I find myself in a very uncomfortable position. In a place where challenges arise moment by moment rather than day by day. In a spot where comfort is not as easy to come by, and loneliness is prevalent when the person you care most about is over halfway around the world. Where I am not sure of what lies ahead both immediately and in the long term. A time of confusion and ambiguity about what the future holds. Little did I consider that by accepting this person's choice I made my own as well- to give up everything in tandem with this person.
This unexpected revelation came very late in the game in my opinion- but not too late. Not so late as to prevent me from being able to act on it. For the time being I'm playing a fun game of hurry-up-and-wait, so for the next several months I will be doing exactly what I'm afraid of. Giving up everything. Because although it is now present in the most important earthly relationship I have, it also means so much more in the grand scheme of things. Jesus Christ gave up everything for us. Being in a relationship with the God of the universe, a real relationship, is entirely different than anything in our simple little world. It cost Jesus everything on the cross, and because of that, salvation is free for us to take- just as my acceptance of this person's choice was free. But in the end, it costs everything. You lose everything to God when you let Him into your heart.
But you also gain access to the Almighty Lord in the process. Isn't that the real everything?
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