Hurry Up and Wait

For those of you who have been in the military or know people who have spent a significant portion of their life in the military, this is likely a familiar phrase. Keep waiting. Maybe when you're done waiting you can wait some more. After that, while participating in some more waiting, you can wait for a decision to be made that might be close deciding how things will get done.

And so on and so forth.

I think at some point in our lives we all experience this to a certain degree. Waiting on college acceptance letters, a play callback, a call from that guy that interviewed you for a job, and a few bigger things, like waiting until you are financially secure so you can have a family. Waiting on the return of a loved one. And on goes the wait...

The trouble with waiting is that it's one of a few things in life that can easily lead to extreme disillusionment. Humans are fallible critters and we have the tendency to forget why we bothered to wait in the first place. It's hard to wait for a reward that's not there to satisfy you, namely because it's not right there to satisfy you. Sometimes the thing you are waiting for seems to be turning into something that you aren't entirely convinced you're still willing to wait for. Other times it just seems too long and we decide to settle. When something is not within our possession, when it is not tangible and concrete, it tends to be distorted a bit. It can become less applicable to our lives and therefore less important for us to work to protect. It adds a lot of ambiguity to the future, and we tend to not like that. (at least I don't. Now don't lie. You don't like it either.)

However, it is worth the wait. God teaches us throughout the Bible and we learn through many experiences in life that the biggest things are indeed 100% worth waiting for. When King Saul was faced with a Philistine army on his doorstep, he wanted to take the war to them with a preemptive strike and then meet them on the field of battle. Samuel, God's prophet at the time, had instructed that Saul wait for Samuel's arrival and performance of a ceremony to give the battle to the Lord. Saul, however, giving in to fear and trying to save face in front of his men, decided to do the ceremony himself and then engage the Philistines. This did not end well. This was actually the beginning of the end for the reign of Saul. Not a good way to go about doing things.

We are instructed to wait upon the Lord. If we choose to follow His plan and pray for guidance in His direction, we will not fail. This does not mean that we will never hit dead ends, and sometimes people see this as their God failing them. In actuality, it's simply the start of another path. Is this cliche? Yes, to a great degree it is, but let me tell you, I have experienced this to a great degree. Being raised in the home I was, I was taught to analyze and process and PLAN like no other. Now that my girlfriend happens to be 9000 miles away (that's a guesstimate, don't hold me to that), there's a lot of waiting going on. There's a lot of ambiguity too. Will we last this whole time? Does she really still feel the way she did when she left? What kind of person will I become through this experience? Will we be just as compatible when she returns? All of these are variables and I have problems with implicit differentiation of functions as it is, I don't need to have these kinds of variables jumping out of my homework into my personal life. But that's the way it goes. Remember this: God has found it necessary for you to be right here, right now, in your life. What are His reasons? Where will His plans take you? This is unknown, but who better to trust than the One who knows every angle and crevice of our universe?

When you find yourself waiting for something, practice patience. No matter where God's plan for your life will be taking you through this wait, it is ALWAYS an opportunity to learn patience, self control, and peace. Peace that only He can give. So hurry up and wait. He'll direct you exactly when you need it.

Here?! Now?! Yup.

Not so long ago, I embarked on the longest drive I've undertaken on my own: over an hour and a quarter. And I got LOST for a grand total of about 3 minutes (interestingly, I also got lost for the same amount of time on the way back as well.) So granted that's not very long but I'm only 18 now give me a break. On this early morning drive through the countryside though, I spent a lot of time listening to music I hadn't touched on in some time. One of these songs happened to be by my long time top favorite artists, TobyMac. From his album "Tonight", I listened to the hit single "City On Our Knees". For a long time this song had meant a lot to me, but mostly as a song of encouragement. in following the Most High in my daily existence. Not that this particular experience moved my outlook on the song away from that, but it did alter my perspective a bit.

Thinking about how different that drive would be if my girlfriend Amelia had been in the car with me at the same time as that song got me to thinking. I wondered about what she was doing at that moment, as with the 12 hour difference between here and where she is, she was probably enjoying her evening in some way or another. Just as I was starting my day, hers was ending, hopefully on a good note. And it moved me. We did a lot of driving around together- to and from friends' houses, concerts, even down to Florida with her family for a college visiting trip. We spent a lot of time moving from place to place and it was an important time for us to catch up with one another. Now, I spend just as much time in that car but all alone for the most part. The passenger seat becomes occupied with documents, water bottles, Monster cans, changes of clothes and the occasional Nerf gun. Hearing that song come on, which I first began to listen to shortly after we began dating over a year and a half ago, really moved me to think about how different it was to be alone in that vehicle. Surprisingly, very little actual pain and sorrow came. In actuality, the song was a comfort. The basic verse of "If we gotta start somewhere why not here? If we gotta start sometime why not now?" reminded me of some of the basic emotions we had dealt with at various times. Fear of the unknown, anxiety about the future, and so on and so forth. To an even greater degree, the feeling of how hard it was to let go of her in that line at the airport and wave goodbye. But many times in life, when faced with a challenge we find the ability to reach inside ourselves.... and pull out the veteran excuse of "I'm not ready yet."

Wait, what?

Logically, this reasoning goes pretty far on the rubric, considering that many things in life require great amounts of preparation: benching new weights, taking harder classes, employment promotions, etc. However, sometimes I think we forget that God tends to put things in our lives that we can't really prepare for, both to teach us to rely on Him and also to keep things fresh. I didn't really want Amelia to leave for Thailand for 11 months-but then again, what was I able to really do about that? And even if I could have, should I have? Doubt it. The reality is that I'm enlisted in the Marine Corps and separation, long distances, limited contact, and other sorts of unpleasantries will be a part of my life. Did I feel entirely prepared to let the love of my life get on a plane bound for a southeast Asian country? Nope. But if we gotta start somewhere....

Time and time again I've used the excuse of not being ready yet. But there are loads of examples of times where people who weren't ready for a challenge thrust upon them performed admirably. Think of the prophets of old. Think of the apostles. Think of the Founding Fathers. Think of the soldiers at Normandy. Think of the civil servants and emergency personnel on 9/11. Though I have the wonderful habit of backing off because I'm scared of not being ready yet, when I have chosen to step out and give it a shot, God has never once left me high and dry.

Here? Now? Well, I guess that doesn't sound so bad.

If you want to lead me, you have to pass me.

These are the words given to me by Marine Corps Sergeant Gonzolez. When I was slowly bringing myself up from the pushup position and grabbing my 35 lb. ammo can to do my next set of sprints, he bent down and uttered those words to me. You see, he found out just recently that I'm an NROTC candidate for the Marines, and leadership is very important to him. He doesn't like a bad officer any more than the next guy. But more so than my other recruiters, this particular sergeant has seen to it that he tests me. He gave me those words firmly, admonishing me with them, not ridiculing. Making a statement, not a mockery. Next thing I knew, he got up and ran- I picked up my can and ran after him. We ran almost 50 yards before he stopped and turned around, probably 15 yards ahead of me and told me to turn around at the same point and beat him on the way back. "It's a race Kitagawa, and you'd better win!" he told me. Without missing a beat, I turned on the dime he had designated and ran after him. With a good 20 yard lead he finished ahead of me, and I pulled up to do my next set of lifts, squats, trunk turns and pushups with my can, sweat draining into my eyes and mouth. Vision slightly blurred at the corners, he saw him approach me and felt the gentle slap on the back of a mentor. "Good job poolee- now gimme some more." And gladly, I dove into the painful action of pushing that can above my head.

I didn't write this to emphasize my personal strength or will or motivation. I wanted to put this out there with emphasis on the title. If someone cannot do or will not do what they would order others to do- they don't have any right to do so. Would someone order their child to do something they knew was dangerous beyond all reason and would take a great deal of stress and hard work to accomplish? Of course not, at least I hope. But officers must do this every single day. That is why they must be willing and able to pass up their enlisted men. And that's how leaders are bred in any situation- to paraphrase what Abraham Lincoln once said: most men can survive adversity. If you truly want to test a man's character, give him power. The simplicity of this concept is missed by many in our society, and I think it deserves some spotlight time once again.

Everything

Some time ago, I once told someone with the utmost confidence that the choice they were about to make would have ramifications. Severe ramifications. Their decision had already been made, in a way, but the other party had yet to confirm that their preferred course of action would be taken. Being that opposite party, I decided it was right to inform that person that the decision they had chosen would cost them everything. Regardless, they (and I) chose to take the plunge.

Days came and went and still it is costing. It always will, no matter where the relationship goes. It has cost much- other relationships, old habits, our comfort zones, pieces of ourselves that we will never fully recover. Now, such is the way of most large scale life decisions, so for many people this shouldn't really be a particular surprise. But at the ripe age of 18, it's somewhat surprising me. It's a shock to see how much a person can lose over a single decision at this age, and even more so to see that they sacrifice these things willingly. The volume of investments lost, many of them with more time, emotion and willpower poured into them than the one they chose over them, is absolutely astonishing. It's almost perturbing in a way to see all of these things go down the drain, whether it was quietly and in a fading sort of manner or an abrupt, grinding halt.

However, this decision is still believed to be the right one. It has cost much, and will continue to do so, to extents we will not know for years to come, I think. However, the rest of what I told that person was not more rhetoric about what it would cost, save for a few specific examples. It was encouragement about the finality of this decision- of the fact that although it would indeed cost everything they had known, it would yield so much more in the future. But to hold on to a goal like that, particularly at this age, is not an easy task. It takes discipline. Work ethic. Courage. Integrity. An indomitable spirit. All valuable qualities often not found in American youth. I'm proud to say this person, whom I love very much, has proven they have those traits and will exercise them for the preservation of our relationship. Although it has been only a short while, already the new everything that will take the place of the old one is beginning to sprout up.

There were some unseen changes that have taken place though. Tonight, at a church gathering known as Upper Room, I experienced something. A basic revelation on the nature of choices. Some time ago, I told this person I love that the choice they had made would cost them everything- little did I consider, however, that it would cost me everything. Now, I find myself in a very uncomfortable position. In a place where challenges arise moment by moment rather than day by day. In a spot where comfort is not as easy to come by, and loneliness is prevalent when the person you care most about is over halfway around the world. Where I am not sure of what lies ahead both immediately and in the long term. A time of confusion and ambiguity about what the future holds. Little did I consider that by accepting this person's choice I made my own as well- to give up everything in tandem with this person.

This unexpected revelation came very late in the game in my opinion- but not too late. Not so late as to prevent me from being able to act on it. For the time being I'm playing a fun game of hurry-up-and-wait, so for the next several months I will be doing exactly what I'm afraid of. Giving up everything. Because although it is now present in the most important earthly relationship I have, it also means so much more in the grand scheme of things. Jesus Christ gave up everything for us. Being in a relationship with the God of the universe, a real relationship, is entirely different than anything in our simple little world. It cost Jesus everything on the cross, and because of that, salvation is free for us to take- just as my acceptance of this person's choice was free. But in the end, it costs everything. You lose everything to God when you let Him into your heart.

But you also gain access to the Almighty Lord in the process. Isn't that the real everything?