Recently I have been given the opportunity to work for a company. Not just any company, but quite possibly my favorite private enterprise of all time. Well, close to it anyways. Recreational Equipment, Incorporated, also known more commonly as REI. I really only cashier and do some customer service and stocking jobs right now but I positively love what I do. I love being able to hear the stories of people who are headed off on adventures, purchasing some of their first hiking and camping gear from us. I listen intently as people come in and buy carbohydrate rich recovery food and repair kits in bulk, speaking of the intense journeys from which they have come. Australia, Africa, Philmont New Mexico, Alaska, the Colorado Rockies, Eastern European backpacking. I love hearing about all of it. And the recent logo change for our company is highly appropriate. "Find Out" (Copyright REI). Any number of sub-slogans can be put in front of such a phrase, really. Curiosity can be sparked by the two words in and of themselves in that order. No limitations can really be placed on what can be inferred from what that could mean. But what does this mean for us? Generally speaking, to go find out means to explore. Find out what the next valley holds, or what lies beyond the next bend in the trail. I've always had an inherent drive to travel and discover and explore. When it came to mostly anything physical and especially outdoors, I always wanted to continue exploring. Time and time again I have discovered breathtakingly beautiful scenes in both my wilderness and urban explorations that could be prefaced with this phrase.
And yet.
I feel a much deeper connection to this phrase, as I stand on the other side of many gauntlets of this life... and on the threshold of yet many more. High school, the endurance of Thailand and my time breaking into the work force via Dairy Queen are all over. Now, NROTC, an engineering degree track, and the development of the habits and rituals and beliefs that will shape my life, lie on the horizon. And I am afraid. Why? Because I don't know what awaits me. Not in the slightest. If I were with many a colleague whom I envy in a way, I'd be at Marine Corps Recruit Depot, San Diego, California, probably crying in pain or screaming with motivation at the hands of legendary USMC Drill Instructors. And that scares me so so much less than the previously stated challenges. Because that is predictable. I know I can anticipate the quick shearing of my hair into a high-and-tight, the mind games, the sleeplessness, the desert heat, the obstacle courses, the rifle drills, I can anticipate them all and execute them better than many. Yet this is not the path God has directed me down. I have gone down the path of ambiguity now, at least in my world. Now, I have the rights to free speech, to feel how I choose about the United States, to decide for myself what crosses the boundary of right and wrong, and where that boundary even lies in my own mind. I am free to develop the personal habits that will make or break the success of my future endeavors. I have the opportunity to choose such endeavors int he first place without first seeking approval from the company commander. And above all this I have someone here, in this country, who longs to be in my arms and looks to me as her protector and caretaker in ways that I never could have imagined. I can see the horizon, it is cloudy and I know I could choose to be afraid. But I don't want to be. I know the degree to which things can still very much go wrong at this point. Maybe they won't even go wrong so much as simply go an unexpected route and this requires huge levels of adjustments on everybody's side of things.
So many questions loom about the future. Will I be allowed into my major on my first application? Will I have to change my major for interest reasons or lack of the qualifying talents? How will I learn to manage my time with a brain not yet developed enough to call their parents on their birthdays? What happens when you enter college while in a serious relationship? What on earth does college life even entail? What kind of workload are these classes going to have? Will I screw up the few chances at socializing that I may get? Is there enough money to fund me having an actual college experience next year? What will I do if that money runs out and my meal plan is done for a week? Will I make my parents proud? Am I going to be getting enough sleep? What are the Marine NROTC instructors going to put my body through? Am I going to turn out ok? Who's all watching me? How am I going to manage a full time work week with the social pressures of irresponsibility at college? Will I fail? Will I succeed? Will I end up somewhere in the middle, just another face lost in the crowd of mediocrity?
So many questions. And I spent a lot of time this last year being afraid of the answers to the ones on hand at that time.
But not anymore.
I want to find out.
